On feeling depressed and shit.
It’s a cycle. I know what causes it, and I know what I have to do to stop it. Yet, I can’t.
Here’s a confession. I’m trying to get pregnant and I still drink and smoke on average 4 days of the week. My boyfriend’s sperm test came back all fucked up, and that’s because of cigarettes.
We need to clean up our acts. He’s trying to stop smoking, but I’m not helping because I’m not encouraging either of us to sort this shit out.
We share a bottle of wine one evening, and the whole next day I feel down, lethargic, depressed. I even started thinking about suicide the other day. Not in a real ‘I’m actually going to do this’ sort of way…but just idle thinking about it.
Because I’m tired of life. I’ve been tired of life my whole life.
I don’t think we really want to have children. Will having children give me the sense of purpose that I’m missing? Is that any reason AT ALL to consider having children?
I’m going to be 36 in a couple of weeks. Time is really running out, and I can’t kick the wine-couple-of-ciggies habit. I mean, compared to my twenties, I hardly drink at all, but I guess these things are cumulative.
Is it just alcohol? I sure feel better on those days when I’ve not had anything the night before. Get 2 or 3 days in a row and I feel much better, thank you very much. So much so, that I just have to have a drink.
I gave up smoking for 4 years. And then I started again. About a year ago. How fucked up is that shit?
My dad is an alcoholic. My brother is a bigger alcoholic. He’s been in rehab, arrested, and JUST avoided going to jail. He’s now sober, and I think I need to follow his lead. My dad will never give up drinking or smoking. He’s over 60 now, and will probably live to be 100 on a diet of beer and fags. Those are the genes I’ve been given.
Addictive, depressed genes.
Genes that hate being alive, but stubbornly persist on doing so.